I have a phone call with a master coach today.
It is a follow-up call for training I received.
I am dreading this call.
I am dreading it because I am ashamed.
I am ashamed at my “lack of progress.”
I am ashamed that I haven’t put all of her teaching to good use.
I am afraid of admitting that I am unsure what I’m doing and why.
I am afraid of facing someone I respect with my interpretation of the current facts.
There are so many parts of this story that are wrong (and I hear you being oh so kind about them – don’t worry my self-abuse is temporary and not terminal), including the voice in my head, the old adolescent voice, who is so afraid of facing the truth that she is desperately trying to reposition. “I didn’t do these things because… I couldn’t do them because…”
And I say that not like a personal trainer might while urging me to go to the gym (not gonna happen, BTW). I say that as the wise woman who sees that repositioning is merely a distraction, an attempt to dodge the point, a failure to learn the lessons by avoiding the truth of the matter (which I’m not entirely clear on and that’s okay).
There are things I have not done.
I can sit here and fight with that and simultaneously feel ashamed OR
I can accept that I have not done these things – it is past. I cannot do them all by the time of my call. Those decision moments are behind me.
I can forgive myself, because really, what choice is there? I can keep beating myself up but that is not proving to give me any kind of result other than not being able to act for a new set of reasons. Forgiveness is the only choice that will create space for progress.
I can then pick up that list (color-coded even) and look at the items and be brutally honest about why they are untouched. What have I left undone and why? All answers are allowed without judgment.
I can get clear about the thoughts and feeling that are preventing me from acting.
I can take those to my master coach because really, like so many others, she only wants to help.
I tend to think of responsibility as meaning I do everything I’m supposed to do, but I think that there is more to it than that, because humans. None of us do everything we’re supposed to do, at least I haven’t met those people. And that’s because there’s an awful lot that goes into the determination of what we’re “supposed” to do.
There’s the whole part where that list gets made. Some of us are really good about being focused and clear during that part. Following our gut-level intuition, using our prior knowledge and experience, thinking about what it means to be love in the world, taking into account the hours in the actual day. Can you tell I’m maybe not so great at this part? Who can think of all of those things at the same time? I frequently rely on some interstellar guidance at those moment because good grief my emo-intellectual cosmic calculating spreadsheet only has so many columns! So that list is the first place where slippage can happen because sometimes the things that make on the list don’t belong there. Sometimes things that do belong on the list get left off. Sometimes we lose the list.
Where else does it get messy? Well, with the giant chunk that follows that – the execution. There is a bit of an intermediary step in prioritizing, but I’d say that falls prone to the same problem as I just described in the whole list-making phase. Execution is where the rubber hits the road, or where we stay in park. Maybe we’re in park idling, just not moving. Maybe we keep trying to go and the kids keep hopping in and out of the car needing assistance and snacks. Maybe we’re driving a few inches forward and then backing up, never really completing anything but dipping our toes into all of the items on the list. Maybe we’re just sitting in the damn car with the keys in our fist crying because we remember when we crashed. So many things can get in the way of execution.
Humans are messy. Doing things is far more complicated than it sometimes appears, and far more involved than we give it credit for when we beat ourselves up for inaction. To say that we are irresponsible when we don’t do it all seems unnecessarily judgy and mean to me. I think a human standard, one that acknowledges imperfection and complexity, focuses more on responsibility as being the moment when you honestly face what you have and have not done and what’s going on there; when you look at your decision-process and either make a new choice or sort out what’s going on in your head; when you let go of the crap that didn’t belong on the list in the first place and you add the things that you were crazy to leave off. That sounds responsible and real to me.
Or maybe that’s just a story I tell myself so I can get on with things. And really, that’s okay too.
What do you make responsibility mean? Do you use it as a weapon against yourself or do you let it help you grow? There is a choice there. Every day.