As much as I try to maintain my groove, the holiday season is catching up with me. Maybe it was the announcement by child #1 that clothes that were said to have fit for the piano recital but then were actually put on to reveal a young male gibbon in a white button down. Maybe it was the daily announcement by child #2 of exactly how many shopping days are left until Christmas. Maybe it was the realization that taking that week off means getting more done now. Maybe it was actually looking at the calendar and seeing what I’d done to myself despite having said NO several times. Maybe it was just staying up too late too many nights in a row to have a time of blessed quiet with the reverend. I’m actually willing to put a fair amount of money on that last one.
It’s getting to me.
I’m feeling harried and disorganized.
I’m starting to feel that sense of inadequacy creep in.
I’m starting to wonder what will happen if I don’t do ALL of the things.
I’m starting to panic.
And I feel myself see that panic and immediately lash out with resistance. No! I know better! I can do this better!
And so I answer the panic with repression.
Which works internally about as well as abstinence education does externally.
So I reminded myself tonight, I remembered, that I can feel the panic.
I don’t have to be afraid to feel it because it’s just a feeling.
It’s just a vibration in my body that needs to express itself.
It’s just the scared primitive part of my brain freaking out because if I don’t do Christmas right, I’m going to get voted off the island.
Sometimes to settle that brain, we first just have to let it say its peace.
So now I’m taking a big breath. Go ahead brain. Panic. You are allowed to be here fear. I’m sorry you are so scared. I know you’re going to be okay, but I can see you don’t know that yet. And that’s alright. So just go ahead. Get it all out. I’m going to just sit here and breathe while you do that.
And then, when you’re done with this anxiety tantrum, I’m going to be in charge again. And we’re still not going to do all of the things. And we still might disappoint some people, but I will make all of those decisions consciously so you don’t have to worry that I’m just screwing it all up.
It’s okay little lizard brain.
And look at the lights.
And know that you are and will be loved even if you don’t make Christmas perfect for everyone.
And know that you are okay and will be loved even if you don’t manage to work as hard this next 12 days as you thought you would.
And know that you are okay and will be loved because you are enough no matter what you do or don’t buy, make, or create.
You are okay. You are loved. You are enough.
All is well.
Feel THAT and you will have a holy night.