What’s in the Way of Better?

accomplishment-ceremony-college-267885When I was younger (said in my geezer voice), I had all of these ideas about when things would be better. First they would be better when I graduated high school. Then they would be better when I graduated college. There was some stuff about boyfriends and relationships all during that time as well – that would definitely make things better. THEN there was the things would be better when our band finally got noticed, when I figured out how to make a living, when I could get my own place (okay that one was TOTALLY true). Sprinkled throughout there was still more better when I don’t have to deal with so and so or better when I can tell that person what I really think.

The point is that place of better was always out there somewhere and the things that were getting in the way were everything. Time and age was in the way. Lack of money was in the way. Other people’s behavior was in the way. So many things that were in the way of my feeling better. Didn’t they all know that I deserved to feel better? That’s a whole separate branch of this tree and it deserves its own post.

This habit of delaying better and tying it to something I had no control over continued on well into my adult years (wait, that’s right, right? I am well into my adult years… holy crap). When I was struggling with infertility, everything would be better if I was pregnant. When I was pregnant everything would be better after my twins were born. When my twins were born everything would be better… yeah, I don’t remember what I thought then. Sleep deprivation is a killer. When my twins were toddlers, everything would be better when they were potty-trained, able to dress themselves, etc, etc, etc. Now my husband is in seminary and I’m sure everything will be better when he’s done. Except for all of the countless ways it will be exactly the same and all of the new ways it will be challenging.

There’s some sort of cliche older person talking to younger person lesson in here. Something about the more things change, the more things stay the same. Wherever you go, there you are. The grass is always greener… There are more of these but my caffeine hasn’t kicked in enough to access more of them. They are right on the money, but they also miss something crucial.

What we miss when we point out that the grass is always greener is that when we make that comparison, we’re spending a whole lot of time looking at someone else’s lawn. It’s not just that it seems better over there, it’s that we’re not looking at here at all. If we spent more time looking at our own yard, we might notice a few things we didn’t see before.

beautiful-flora-flowers-83118We might see the tiny flowers that pop up in the earliest Spring.

We might see the shells in the flower beds that we brought home from a trip to the beach with beloved friends.

We might notice the pair of mockingbirds that nest in the bush.

We also might see that we’ve let the weeds get out of hand. We might notice that some of those come up rather easily.

We might notice some vines are threatening the small trees on the border.

We see the details. We see the “good” and we see the “problems.”

We see it all and can get real about what’s in the way of what we think of as better.

Is it what we’re not acknowledging and celebrating?

Is it what we’re choosing to leave unaddressed?

Is it what we define as better?

When I think about it “good” can only really happen right now, in this moment. When it’s in the past, it is over and when it’s something we are predicting, it is not ours to experience it yet. Good is now and better is here, if only we can see it behind all of the things we’ve let get in the way.

 

In the Post-Present Quiet

One big last hurrah for 2017!

Or maybe it’s not a hurrah for you.

Maybe you’re totally ready to get rid of 2017.

It’s a mixed bag for me. There are parts I would prefer to never do again and parts that make me excited and proud.

Making 2018 greatI find that the time after all of the present and food madness is a really nice time to take a few minutes to reflect on the year that has passed, well before that moment of resolution-making rears its annoying head.

I like to think about what went well this year, acknowledge my growth and my accomplishments. I like to take the time to see the changes I’ve created in my life and, by extension, in the lives of people around me. I make a note of steps I’ve taken, things I’ve done (even if terrified while doing them), and impacts I’ve had. I also like to take a tour through the precious moments that deserve a second showing.

And then, feeling pretty well-buoyed up by all of that goodness, I give some air time to the things that didn’t go so well. Mistakes I made, things I failed at, stuff that didn’t work out, plans I abandoned, battles with myself (lose-lose). I review the heartache and the sorrows. And I ask if there is anything more I need to learn from those moments. I ask the sky, the universe, anyone who might be listening if there is something more to gain from all of that, just on the off chance they might just tell me so I don’t have to sort it out myself.

My review of the past year complete, I do my best to have a vision of the next year. I picture myself on a regular day, perhaps before all of the holiday madness next year. What will I be doing? Where will I be? Who will be there? How will I feel? What parts of my day are exciting? What will have changed? And I notice.  I notice what parts of that vision feel good. I notice what parts of that vision are scary, but still good. I notice what parts of that vision I am perfectly ready to discard as impossible (and I question that thought). I notice what parts of that vision show me the work that I have yet to do.

Making next year betterAnd I use that vision. I use the feelings of the future to guide my present. I set a flag firmly where I want to be and begin to navigate a path with thought, word, and deed that will make that destination inevitable.

So when that moment comes, and someone asks me, I will answer that IF I have a resolution, it is only this: to act on my vision in 2018.

XO,

j